I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I spent almost two years of my life controlling 8-year-olds with stickers. My wizardry also extended to 7- and 6-year-olds.
It turns out that when you’re trying to teach speakers of one inscrutable language (Mandarin Chinese) another inscrutable — and completely ridiculous! — language (English) in a public elementary school classroom, there is tremendous power in rewarding effort and nice behavior with a sticker.
And when things got rowdy — which wasn’t too often, actually, they really were wonderful children — all I had to was waggle the pad of stickers I’d brought with me from America and…
Suddenly, mouths were zipped and hands were folded neatly on desks, presumably to make it easier for me to put stickers on them.
Which is to say, I’m pro-bribery. I myself am very motivated by it.
So, when Gov. Jared Polis announced several days ago that five lucky, vaccinated individuals will win $1 million each through five drawings in June, I considered myself retroactively bribed.
I mean, I got my COVID-19 vaccine almost two months ago, but still: a million dollars! I’m re-motivated!
I’d like to say I always do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, but I’m human and therefore susceptible to all the laziness, degenerate decision making and breathtaking self-interest that are inherent in my species.
It’s not all id all the time, I’ll defensively point out, but honestly? If you want me to do the dishes, you’ll probably need to give me a cookie.
And by “you” I mean “me,” because as I’ve thought about how I’m going to spend my million dollars, I’ve increasingly realized how much self-bribery I do.
For example, the dishes: Obviously, I should clutch my faultless moral compass to my pure heart and do them because it’s the correct and tidy thing to do, and because I made the mess, and because I don’t want to end up on a TV show that’s promoted with some version of “you won’t believe your eyes!”
But… it’s not fun to do the dishes. It’s made even less fun by my constant awareness that they’re just going to get dirty again. So, I generally reward myself with a treat if I not only do them, but do a good job on them (this means not leaving a bunch of stuff in the sink under the auspices of “soaking”).
Me: Rachel, if you do these dishes, you can have two, maybe three Andes mints afterward.
Also me: … OK, fine.
It’s the same thing with exercise. It’s sweaty and exhausting and I infinitely prefer sitting on the couch and reading novels. But I don’t want to buy new clothes and I very much enjoy my consistently beating heart, so I bribe myself.
Me: Rachel, if you go ride that dumb exercise bike and don’t commit ennui by thinking about the tragic symbolism of staying in place and riding to nowhere, you can watch something appalling on Netflix while you do.
Also me: And it’s gonna have evil robots!
So, I tend to pursue the carrot. I apologize for nothing.
And while I wish that my motivations were always totally pure and guided by selfless concern for the greater good, I also feel that as long as stuff gets done that needs to, why not grab that carrot and make dessert?
I think we can all agree that carrot cake is delicious, and that we sometimes do things for the reward rather than for noble purpose.
Therefore, I brandished a pad of stickers at a classroom of third-graders, felt no shame and got tremendous results. I also taught them “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” which they LOVED, and I frequently told them that if they tried their very hardest for the first 40 minutes of class, we’d sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” during the last 10 minutes.
I got nouns and verbs shouted at me with crazed enthusiasm, which ramped up my crazed enthusiasm, until we were shrieking that classic by The Tokens loud enough to wake every lion on the planet. It’s one of my favorite memories.
Thus, I will not be offended if you ask me to do something and subtly — or not-so-subtly — hint that a treat is waiting at the end of the task. I will not consider myself morally compromised, I will consider myself grateful for the pizza (or Andes mints).
Rachel Sauer is at rs81501@gmail.com and doesn’t actually need a reward to do something nice for you, but always appreciates cookies.
May 30, 2021 at 01:15PM
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Cookies or stickers: I admit it. I'm semi-motivated by bribery - The Grand Junction Daily Sentinel
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